Anxiously Attached
October 1, 2024
Writer: Sydney Singleton
Editor: Chloe Robinson
Have you ever been in a relationship where a pause in messages makes you think they've lost interest, a slight change in tone feels like they’re mad at you, or you find yourself constantly apologizing for things that don’t need an apology? You might have an anxious attachment style. This is completely normal for many people but can be emotionally exhausting, making breakups or moving on from past relationships difficult and painful. It’s important to recognize anxious attachment patterns, understand how they can affect mental health, and try to learn some ways to better process a breakup.
Recognizing anxious attachment in yourself or your partner isn’t too difficult, and there are common signs to look for. One of the most typical behaviors is the need for constant reassurance. Questions like "Do you still love me?" or "Are we okay?" are clear examples. Even small changes, like a slightly different tone or a longer-than-usual response time, can trigger fears in an anxiously attached person that their partner is losing interest. This can lead to overthinking that inevitably becomes all-consuming, with the only cure being the reassurance an anxious partner needs. For someone with this attachment style, silence can feel unbearable and even painful. Another sign is being overly apologetic and frequently saying sorry even when it’s not necessary. These habits, though common, can be mentally draining and affect other areas of life outside the relationship.
If any of these patterns resonate with you, or you look back at past relationships and think, "That sounds like me," that’s okay. Anxious attachment often stems from being mistreated in previous relationships, leading to a deep sense of anxiety and mistrust. It’s important not to feel ashamed of this. Healing takes time, and it’s a process that happens at your own pace. Slowly letting someone new into your life and taking steps to break these anxious habits is key. Although it can be difficult, if these patterns aren’t addressed, they can lead to emotional burnout. Your happiness shouldn’t depend on one person, and your day’s mood shouldn’t hinge on whether their "good morning" text sounded sincere. Over-analyzing every interaction is exhausting, and over time, this behavior can be detrimental to both your mental health and the relationship itself.
Having anxious attachment patterns can sometimes create tension between you and your partner. It may be difficult for them if they feel that being away from their phone or spending time with their own friends could upset you and lead to an argument. To avoid this, it’s important to maintain your own identity outside of the relationship. Make plans without your partner, build memories that are yours alone, and nurture your friendships and family relationships. By doing this, you become more comfortable with your partner having their own space and activities because you understand that you are both individuals with separate lives. Your partner shouldn’t be your whole life—they should complement and add to it.
If you're struggling to overcome these feelings because your partner isn’t meeting your needs, that’s not your fault. In such cases, I hope to offer some guidance on how to leave a relationship and how to heal afterward.
Leaving a relationship when you have an anxious attachment style can feel overwhelming, like it's the worst thing that could happen and you’ll never recover. Even when people tell you that you’ll feel better once you leave, it’s hard to believe because the anxiety of losing that person clouds your judgment. You might not realize that you aren’t being treated as you deserve or that you’re hurting in the relationship. Sometimes, you know deep down that you need to leave, but your love for them convinces you that things will somehow work out if you stay. If that’s how you feel, it’s okay to take things at your own pace. It doesn’t make you foolish or naive to need to reach a point of hurt before you’re ready to leave. Never feel ashamed or embarrassed for doing what feels right for you.
Once you're out of the relationship, you might feel a sense of relief, as if a weight has been lifted. But for many with an anxious attachment style, it can feel like your entire world is falling apart. Spoiler: it’s not. You may feel like you didn’t get to say everything you wanted before going no-contact, which might leave you tempted to reach out and share more of your feelings. You might also be scared that they’ve already moved on, and the thought of them being with someone else can feel unbearable. It’s easy to start obsessing over their every move, making it all you can think about. The key to healing is distraction. Fill your days with things you enjoy, and spend as much time as possible with friends and loved ones. Surrounding yourself with a support system helps you feel less alone during this time. When your world revolved around one person, it felt small. Now, there's so much room to expand it with new experiences, hobbies, and people. Rediscovering your individuality and passions can help you grow and feel more empowered. Limit contact and resist the urge to check on them or reach out, as this often prolongs the healing process. As cliché as it may sound, it truly does get easier with time. Each day, the pain lessens, and though there will be bad days, remind yourself that this isn't the end of the world. If they were truly your soulmate, the relationship wouldn't have ended in the first place.
Navigating relationships with an anxious attachment style can be emotionally challenging, but recognizing these patterns is the first step toward healing. It’s important to understand that needing reassurance or feeling anxious doesn’t make you flawed—it reflects past experiences that shaped your emotional responses. While leaving a relationship can feel overwhelming, it’s also an opportunity to grow, rediscover yourself, and expand your world beyond the confines of one person. By setting boundaries, leaning on your support system, and focusing on self-care, you can start the process of healing and moving forward. Over time, the pain will ease, and you’ll realize that you are stronger and more capable than you may have thought. The journey may be difficult, but it will ultimately lead you to healthier relationships and a deeper understanding of yourself.
